The hallway...

I am a person who plans. I have not always been this way, however it seems like the last few years have been all about planning. Ashley, when you gradutate high school, where are you going? Ashley, when you get to college, what will you major in? Ashley, now that you are at college, what courses will you take? Ashley, when will you graduate? Ashley, what job or internship will you be doing? Ashley, what will you do after you gradute? Ashley, which seminary do you plan on attending? Ashley, why is your crystal ball not working so you can answer these questions better???

Life is all about questions and planning and knowing what comes next. And because the world is so much like that, I have become accustomed to that and now trust in that. I like knowing my next steps and my future to a point. I like using my planner and checking each date before i commit to any new activity. My planner might as well be my other Bible, in a sense. However, it seems like for the first time in a very long time, I do not have everything worked out. My life is not planned fully with all of the details. I do not know what to do next. Sure, I know that tomorrow is Sunday and I have to work and then Monday starts a week full of classes, but I am talking about the bigger things. What comes next Ashley??? Well, I do not know. And that is okay.

I sometimes feel like since one door is now closing, that another one should just open up immediately and POOF, there is my next step! I am used to clarity and defined moments, and that is not what my life is now. This door is closing, and I am stuck in the hallway. Stuck, waiting on another door to open. Sure, it might be a nice hallway, but it is a hallway nonetheless. How freaking scary is that? Well, it is terrifying to me. I am not quite sure how to handle this or what to do. And yet, I ahve this strang sense of peace about me. Yeah, it is a hallway, but maybe I am supposed to be in this hallway right now. Maybe rooms and doors are just too overrated for me at the time. I am kind of enjoying just sitting down and simply breathing in the hallway. For now, the hallway is my friend.

So, everyone else - enjoy the rooms and doors! And do not worry about me; I will be fine. Everyone needs to be able to sit in the hallway at least once in their lives and just be content. This is my time. So even if I have to fake it to make it, I will have a smile on my face and sit in the hallway.

one step at a time

Okay, so this is my very first post. I am not exactly sure what I want to accomplish with this, I just know that writing things out sometimes helps. My life is messy and complicated and overwhelming and confusing. But at the end of the day, it is my life. And I have to make it through. And I do, I mean, I am still standing strong here today. But it is through God and my hope for a better... I dont know, just better something pushes me to continue. This is not a pity party by any means. Yes, a lot of bad things have happened in my life, but it is my triumph through all those things that make me who I am. More importantly, a lot of great things have happened in my life, too. So maybe even more so this is a tribute to all of those good things that have occured as well. I am just stringing together those little things, piece by piece, and step by step, just to make it through. This is what I have and this is how I am just trying to figure it all out. :]