rules were made to be broken

these are just the ramblings and complaints of the moment. enjoy.


Music just seems to feed the soul, now doesn't it? It just seems to help everything. think about it, when you are super happy - play a great tune! When you are down in the dumps - play a song to feel that or a peppy one to get you into a better mood. It just seems to have this transmorphing power to cure life. And when it seems like you have just no words for anything, one song just might say it perfectly. Needless to say, I have been iving my life through my itunes recently. Music just helps, in general.

Sometimes I feel liek there was some life class that I missed along the way. Like everyone else just knos how to deal with things or how to act or carry themselves in a certain situation and I just missed that social cue. Although, I do not know how. Most people say that I am an old woman. I am defintely wise beyond my years and have a strength about me that exceeds my knowledge. However, there are still just so many things that I feel like, I am just immature at or with. And I am not really sure what to do about that. How do people know to do the things they do, ya know?

Another thing, I am currently struggling with the idea of age. I mea, what does i truly mean, anyway? At certain ages you are allowed to have more "freedom:" and power to do more things, even though some people do not take advantage of those times. And yet others take advantage too early. And then we talk about the unsaid rules of age, like you should be doing this at this age, or that at that age. Or worse, you cannot do this until that age. How wrong is all of that? Why do there have to be those rules on things? I mean, I know some very respsonsible teenagers who are ready to tackle life. And yet, I know some extremely irresonsible adults who should never even be driving let alone married with children! And who says that kids cannot pay bills and handle taxes? Cause some of them do. And who says that an adult cannot watch disney movies all day and play with nerf guns all night? Like, who makes these rules? Because I am here to just break them all. I don't care anymore.

I have always been the kind of person who hides how she feels. I think society pressures us like that. We aren't allowed to really say how we truly are when someone asks the question "How are you?" We are just supposed to say "fine" and be done with it. Even if that is not how we truly feel. How often do we get the opportunity to just sit in silence and just feel whatever it is that we feel? Without thinking if we are supposed to be feeling one way or another, or if it might hurt someone else oe even ourselves. We just need to feel sometimes. And whether you choose to do that in a weird position in yoga or in a bathtub with candles, that is your choice. But I encourage everyone to just let go. Just let go of it all and be in tune with yourself and whatever it is that you feel. Cause that is really all you have...

where am i?

That seems to be the question of my life right now. Where are you?
And not just in the "hey, let's go into town, where are you, we're in the car" kinda way, but the, where are you in life? where is your mind? where are you in my class? where are you going to grad school? where are you going this weekend? where are you in this relationship? where are you and why are you not updating your blog?

I have no answers to any of these really, that is the problem. I have no idea where I am. Yes, I am in the United States, in the South, in Georgia, in a county, in a small town, on a college campus, in an apartment, in my bedroom. But how did I get here? Of course I could do the same breakdown as before, but that still would not give me my answer. I honestly do no know how I go to where I am today. I feel like I was on a hamster wheel for these past few years of my life. That I just wanted everything to be different, wanted everything to be better than what it was, so I just kept going and moving. And thorugh all the moving, I just assumed that I would get somewhere evetually. But now here am I jus as confused as before.

I have a tendancy to over think things, well, everything actually. I just cannot help it, it is the way my mind works. And lately I have discovered that I am not happy. I ahvent been for a while. Yeah, I am grateful to be where I am, I am so blessed beyong belief to just beable to still stay and study here at a very expensive college with virtually no money. I amd surrounded by loving friends and family who are so loyal and reliable. I am so much to be thankful for, but I am not happy. Now, I am a good Christian to I know the difference between joy and happiness. So yes, I love Jesus and so everyday I am joyful to just have life. But I am not happy. Surprisingly, this took a lot for me to even admit. It makes me feel guilty, feeling this way, like I am ungrateful fo all that I have been given. But it has nothing to do with that at all. Yes, I am grateful but I am not happy about where I am in my life cause I do not know where I am. Now what?

Well, seems to be the story of my life recently, but I do not have the answer to that either. Most people just say DO SOMETHING. well, what? What I am supposed to do? Do what makes you happy! Okay, well maybe I do not remember what that is. I mean, yeah, I could read a magazine, get my nails done if I could find some money somewhere to do so, talk a walk, but none of that really makes a person happier does it?

So yeah, here I am. With no more answers then I started out with. But at least its out there, ya know? I am not happy. But I ahve to change something. All this work, it seemed like I did beforehand to prepare and get me this great life I was looking forward to, just didnt happen. I thought I was so far along in my book of life, like chapter 50 or something! but now I am coming to realize that I never made it past chapter 29. And so now I just feel more lost than ever.