where am i?

That seems to be the question of my life right now. Where are you?
And not just in the "hey, let's go into town, where are you, we're in the car" kinda way, but the, where are you in life? where is your mind? where are you in my class? where are you going to grad school? where are you going this weekend? where are you in this relationship? where are you and why are you not updating your blog?

I have no answers to any of these really, that is the problem. I have no idea where I am. Yes, I am in the United States, in the South, in Georgia, in a county, in a small town, on a college campus, in an apartment, in my bedroom. But how did I get here? Of course I could do the same breakdown as before, but that still would not give me my answer. I honestly do no know how I go to where I am today. I feel like I was on a hamster wheel for these past few years of my life. That I just wanted everything to be different, wanted everything to be better than what it was, so I just kept going and moving. And thorugh all the moving, I just assumed that I would get somewhere evetually. But now here am I jus as confused as before.

I have a tendancy to over think things, well, everything actually. I just cannot help it, it is the way my mind works. And lately I have discovered that I am not happy. I ahvent been for a while. Yeah, I am grateful to be where I am, I am so blessed beyong belief to just beable to still stay and study here at a very expensive college with virtually no money. I amd surrounded by loving friends and family who are so loyal and reliable. I am so much to be thankful for, but I am not happy. Now, I am a good Christian to I know the difference between joy and happiness. So yes, I love Jesus and so everyday I am joyful to just have life. But I am not happy. Surprisingly, this took a lot for me to even admit. It makes me feel guilty, feeling this way, like I am ungrateful fo all that I have been given. But it has nothing to do with that at all. Yes, I am grateful but I am not happy about where I am in my life cause I do not know where I am. Now what?

Well, seems to be the story of my life recently, but I do not have the answer to that either. Most people just say DO SOMETHING. well, what? What I am supposed to do? Do what makes you happy! Okay, well maybe I do not remember what that is. I mean, yeah, I could read a magazine, get my nails done if I could find some money somewhere to do so, talk a walk, but none of that really makes a person happier does it?

So yeah, here I am. With no more answers then I started out with. But at least its out there, ya know? I am not happy. But I ahve to change something. All this work, it seemed like I did beforehand to prepare and get me this great life I was looking forward to, just didnt happen. I thought I was so far along in my book of life, like chapter 50 or something! but now I am coming to realize that I never made it past chapter 29. And so now I just feel more lost than ever.