Me, the crybaby

There comes a time when every bird has to fly
At some point every rose has to die
It’s hard to let your children go
Leave home
Where they go?
Who knows!
Getting drunk
Getting stoned
All alone
Teach a man to fish
You’ll feed him never lie
You show your kids the truth
Hope they never lie
Instead of reading in a letter that they’ve gone to something better
“Bet your sorry now! I won’t be coming home tonight”

I’m sick of looking for those heroes in the sky
To teach us how to fly
Together we cry!
Together we cry


I went to a concert a week ago and "The Script" performed. This is a song by them entitled, We Cry. They had a great performance with lots of soul and movement. this song in particular was moving because I felt like I could feel their pain when they sang it. They wrote this song out of the depths of their hearts and it even had a jazzy flair to pair nicely with the lyrics. But the message rang true to me, together we cry. There was this wave of solidarity that came over the whole place. The room was filled with random people:older women, teen girls, American Idol fans, overprotective fathers, fun loving guys. Those people were very different, and yet when the mics were turned off and we all sang together, it was one clear sound. I couldn't hear one voice over another and somehow it sounded beautiful.

People are so different. The older I become, the more I try to not jusge people. Each person has their own background, their own reasons for doing what they do, their own experiences that made them who they are. So whenever I get upset with a person or frustrated with a decision I have to remind myself that I do not fully know a person, therefore I cannot fully comprehend why they do the things they do. Yet, for as many differences as people have, we have just as many similarities. We all hurt sometimes. We all have pain and suffer.

For me, I am too stubborn most of the time to accept help. If I am suffering, I just put on a fake smile and never let anyone in. However, I love helping other people through problems, situations, and trials. It is just in my blood to help people thorugh hard times because I have been through so many hard times myself. When I think about all the people and times I ahve been there for others, I am reminded of the goodness that I fele inside for helping them. So then isn't it selfish of me to deny other people to help me? When you let other people in, it isn't that you are admitting your faults and weaknesses, but rather you are accepting your humanity.

We are not alone. We have other people around us for a reason. I truly believe that God works through our friends to help us see things that we cannot. So we can avoid those silly 'blindspots' we are all afraid of. Life is hard. But by keeping up walls that we ourselves put up, is only harming us personally.

This has been one of my stumbling blocks, but I am only hurting myself. I think that crying in front of people makes me look weak and pathetic, so very rarely will anyone see me cry. It took months before my own boyfriend even saw me cry! Well, after almost two years of devoted service to my church, I annouced my leaving last Sunday. I had rehearsed a nice going away speech of a few sentences to say in front of the whole congregation to be sure that I said what needed to be said. I would usually say that I am a very collected person who does not wear her heart on her sleeve. And yet, the second I stood up I began to get choked up. By the end of my speech, my face was red, my cheeks were wet, and my voice was rattling. I was full on sobbing when I sat down. And no matter how much I wanted to act like I was fine and had it all together... I didn't. And so I just had to cry it out there in the pew, with my mom and boy, and pull it together for children's church. For once in my life, I didn't have it all together, and people responded to that. Some people felt closer to me than ever before. And for the first time there, I felt real; like my true self was finally shining through.

Because everyone mourns, everyone moves on, everyone hurts, and everyone cries. But our strength is found in company, and together we cry. Sometimes it is not about looking above and finding the reason, but about looking around you and taking comfort in the mystery of life. Life seems to kick you when you're down sometimes, but each day I will wake up and fight for hope.

when.

When you're a kid, it's Halloween candy. You hide it from your parents and you eat it until you get sick. In college, it's the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well... you know. As a surgeon, you take as much of the good as you can get because it doesn't come around nearly as often as it should. Because good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing.

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

I am a big Grey's Anatomy fan. I truly enjoy each episode because it seems like a running thought of Meredith's. Like she is just trying to figure out her life step by step. And it doesn't help that she has some beautiful actors beside her and an amazing soundtrack to back it up. This quotes above is from one of my favorite episodes. TO be perfectly honest, I felt like this kid last night. When you are young, your parents seem to patrol your candy intake to be sure you don't have too much and so you don't get sick. Well, being the adult that I am now, I had lots of candy last night on Halloween with no mommy to tell me to stop. Yeah, life got hard and candy is yummy so I will just east and eat and eat and it won't hurt me! wrong. I got so sick last night. I haven't had that much candy in SO long! I was so excited! I personally love dessert; I love all kinds of dessert. (I know I sound like a super fat kid right now, but I do not care.) I love ice cream, pie, cake, pastries, parfait, cookies, brownies, bars, Popsicles, and especially candy. So how can you have too much of something you love? I am still not sure, but I do know that it is possible...

The problem was not the fact that I had to much candy, but that I could not tell when I was full, when I was done, when enough was enough. I feel like my life has been that way lately. It is hard for me to navigate though all the craziness and find the truth. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between too much and not enough. How much really is too much?It is different for every person and about everything. And the worst part is that if it is possible to have to much candy, which is most definitely a good thing, the it must be possible to have too much of other great things. So what is my line? When is enough, enough? How will I know when to just say when, cut my losses, and get out?

I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say 'Say when.' My aunt would say 'say when," and of course, we never did. We don't say when because there's something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love. More anything. More is better.

There's something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it's more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless... all we want is more.

More is just not always better. I had more candy and trust me, it was not better. But I almost had to have a lot to know that a little was sufficient. Man, do I wish I could just got back in time and eat less candy, mess around less in high school, misbehave less in middle school. The list could go on and on of things that I would do differently. But if I did those things differently then, would I know differently now? Would I have had the same experiences and learned the same things without those 'mistakes' I once made? Somehow I don't think so.

Too much candy, not enough salad. Too much soda, not enough water. Too much messing around, not enough studying. Too much work, not enough play. Too much worrying, not enough sleep. Too much TV, not enough reading. Too many lists, not enough spontaneity. Too much anger, not enough compassion. Too much regret, not enough joy. That is my life, and as much as I might hate it, it is what it is. It is not that I do not work to change it, but it always seems to go back to those.

I want more. I have this natural tendency to be restless and therefore it is easy for me to always want more. To go beyond and see what could be if I just didn't say when. But there is something to be said for knowing when to just say when. For knowing when enough is enough and when you are just done. I might have figured it out when it comes to my work life, but I am still working on the candy...

The hallway...

I am a person who plans. I have not always been this way, however it seems like the last few years have been all about planning. Ashley, when you gradutate high school, where are you going? Ashley, when you get to college, what will you major in? Ashley, now that you are at college, what courses will you take? Ashley, when will you graduate? Ashley, what job or internship will you be doing? Ashley, what will you do after you gradute? Ashley, which seminary do you plan on attending? Ashley, why is your crystal ball not working so you can answer these questions better???

Life is all about questions and planning and knowing what comes next. And because the world is so much like that, I have become accustomed to that and now trust in that. I like knowing my next steps and my future to a point. I like using my planner and checking each date before i commit to any new activity. My planner might as well be my other Bible, in a sense. However, it seems like for the first time in a very long time, I do not have everything worked out. My life is not planned fully with all of the details. I do not know what to do next. Sure, I know that tomorrow is Sunday and I have to work and then Monday starts a week full of classes, but I am talking about the bigger things. What comes next Ashley??? Well, I do not know. And that is okay.

I sometimes feel like since one door is now closing, that another one should just open up immediately and POOF, there is my next step! I am used to clarity and defined moments, and that is not what my life is now. This door is closing, and I am stuck in the hallway. Stuck, waiting on another door to open. Sure, it might be a nice hallway, but it is a hallway nonetheless. How freaking scary is that? Well, it is terrifying to me. I am not quite sure how to handle this or what to do. And yet, I ahve this strang sense of peace about me. Yeah, it is a hallway, but maybe I am supposed to be in this hallway right now. Maybe rooms and doors are just too overrated for me at the time. I am kind of enjoying just sitting down and simply breathing in the hallway. For now, the hallway is my friend.

So, everyone else - enjoy the rooms and doors! And do not worry about me; I will be fine. Everyone needs to be able to sit in the hallway at least once in their lives and just be content. This is my time. So even if I have to fake it to make it, I will have a smile on my face and sit in the hallway.

one step at a time

Okay, so this is my very first post. I am not exactly sure what I want to accomplish with this, I just know that writing things out sometimes helps. My life is messy and complicated and overwhelming and confusing. But at the end of the day, it is my life. And I have to make it through. And I do, I mean, I am still standing strong here today. But it is through God and my hope for a better... I dont know, just better something pushes me to continue. This is not a pity party by any means. Yes, a lot of bad things have happened in my life, but it is my triumph through all those things that make me who I am. More importantly, a lot of great things have happened in my life, too. So maybe even more so this is a tribute to all of those good things that have occured as well. I am just stringing together those little things, piece by piece, and step by step, just to make it through. This is what I have and this is how I am just trying to figure it all out. :]